Part 1: Unpopular Opinions (Relationship Edition)

Two part series. This is the first half.

DISCLAIMER: we are fine. Much of my opinions are based on witnessing other relationships and dynamics. Over the years, I have also listened to a lot of online therapists, books, and podcasts that helped shape my opinions.

My hot takes about relationships with short explanations, though let's be real here. I could write pages about each of these. I know people will disagree with these, and I respect those opinions and recognize I can be wrong on several. But they're hot takes for a reason.

Let's just start off strong right out of the gate, yeah?

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Porn isn't Cheating

Porn is fantasy, and fantasy usually is an outlet for subconscious desires and needs, and those are usually not as straightforward as they appear. I don't think you're a bad person if you watch porn. Nor do I think it's a reflection of character, unless it's some pretty sketchy or illegal material (and then that's not porn–that's recorded abuse). I think couples should talk about what they're comfortable with and their expectations surrounding porn use will be. Having open and honest conversation would go a long way, but I don't think one person has the right to dictate the behavior of the other. Whatever those boundaries with porn use are should be decided together, and that can also include not viewing it. But porn isn't cheating, and I think a lot of women are just insecure–but few really want to admit it. To me, calling porn cheating seems to be a way to put guilt on their partner and control behavior that will ease those insecurities. (And while I think that is the biggest reason, I also fully acknowledge there might be a host of other reasons to have problems with porn use including abuse, moral beliefs, or religious ones, as well as others.)

Most studies quoted about porn’s damage are largely misrepresented to fit narratives against it. Can porn be damaging? Sure. But I also think very few people actually have an addiction to it, and cultural and religious shame does more damage than watching porn itself does. Ethical, mindful porn consumption and understanding of the industry as a whole, would lead to better industry practice and better treatment of the performers at a faster rate than legislation would be able to push through. I have a lot of thoughts on this, but I'll stop here.

“Grow Together” is a Lie

I've heard so many people growing up tell me that you and your spouse just need to learn how to 'grow together' through challenges. I disagree, to an extent. Hard times happen and how people respond to them can vary. Trying to make sure how you respond to those hardships is the same as your spouse’s is like trying to determine how tall your kids will be. You can provide the best food and nutrition that you can, but ultimately, it is out of your control.

Likewise, you can do all you can for your relationship to work out, but there are some things you can't decide. You can both respond to a problem in very different ways, and both be right. One person might learn a completely different lesson from the same hardship than their spouse. Those lessons change and shape you, but you don't decide how they do, unfortunately. Those can lead to differing opinions and changes in individuals, and can also mean changes in the relationship, and sometimes those changes grow you apart and not together. You don't get to decide which direction that is. 

Date nights can help keep you connected, but guarantee nothing. There is no magic bullet to keeping a marriage together. I think that scares a lot of people, so advice is often given when the reality is there is no guarantee on anything. Sorry. I think a successful marriage is equal parts hard work and just a lot of really dumb luck.

Divorce isn't Failure. Staying Together isn't Success.

And sometimes there is no “right” choice and only “they all suck” decisions to make.

I know people who are miserably married or secretly hate(d) their spouse. To the bottom of my soul, I wish they'd throw the towel in. Similarly, you can absolutely love your spouse and still leave them for multiple reasons. And some people stay together for the kids and I think that's noble for those who can do that. That's a sacrifice on a personal level to wait that out.

But on the flip side, I don't judge anyone for staying, leaving, or waiting—no matter what stage in life they are at. I don’t think divorce means someone made a mistake in who they married. People can still have fond memories and affection for their ex-partner. Just because a couple breaks up doesn’t mean there weren't good times during the marriage as well. Who a person marries isn’t who they are usually leaving.

You can also love someone, recognize it's not working any more, and still choose to walk away. Ending a marriage doesn't always end in hating each other. Sometimes ending a marriage is wanting the best for yourself and for the other person. If you think someone else might love your partner better, maybe you should let them go before you end up hating them. I also think you don't always have to pick a side when friends or family divorce.

I have an ex-sister-in-law I still wish the best for. I don't know the details of her marriage to my brother, and I don't want to. I'm sure they both made mistakes, but she's a good person. I still love her.

And probably my favorite divorce facts I like to share with friends going through it is this: most people know 40-50%  of marriages end in divorce. 

But what most people don't know is that for those who divorce, some studies show stats as high as 80% percent of adults remarry within five years of their divorce. Men are more likely to remarry than women (and people are more likely to remarry the older they are). Which makes sense when you consider the average adult has 1-2 long-term partners in their lifetime.

Date for at Least Two Years (and test drive the car)

I used to think you should date for at least a year before getting married. Now I think a minimum of two is, for the most part, a wiser course of action. A lot of our first year of marriage was still learning about each other. I now firmly believe that maybe the vast majority of the finding out part should happen before marriage. I don't think it's just important, but vital to see your partner around your friends and family and their own (and more than once or twice) before tying the knot. Do your friends and family have to approve? No, but it sure makes life a lot easier if they do. Many people will misrepresent themselves while dating. Dating for at least two years lets you really see what is the truth. It's better to find that out before you're married, in my opinion.

Most people I know marry fairly young due to religion or culture. I think the younger you are, the longer you should wait, honestly. Most people don't know what they want or what they're looking for. I think it's easy to have miscommunications or understandings because of a lack of awareness. I think you can believe you both share the same values, but define them differently. That can be a problem when put into practice. How you define those values is more important than just sharing them. You normally don't find that out in the first year of knowing someone.

All this said, I do think there are exceptions to this. Like if you've know the person longer than you've dated them, or later in life when your older and have a firmer understanding about relationships and your own needs and what you want out of it.

My religious friends and family will likely disagree with me on the next point, but I think finding out sexual compatibility is important. If you firmly believe in waiting until marriage, I think that's fine. But I also think you should still wait two years and talk a lot about what those expectations might be behind closed doors. Sex isn't everything, but it is a very big part of relationships. Pretending otherwise or rushing into marriage because you just can't wait can be disastrous.

You Still Have a Right to Privacy (and Some Secrets are Okay)

I have never gone through my husband's phone. Have I glanced at a text message, or asked if I can read whatever he's laughing at? Sure. We also have each other's phone passcodes, but I don't unlock his and go snooping through it to see who he's messaging. I don't have to know who they are or what they're discussing. He hasn't given me a reason to worry, and unless he does, then it's none of my business. He has a right to privacy and conversation without me reading over his shoulder, and I trust him with not abusing that privacy. I don't need to see his browser history, and we've both agreed that seeing what we ask ChatGPT is entirely off limits.

Privacy and trust are both privileges, but privacy is contingent on trust being honored. Both can be lost if they are taken advantage of.

I also am fine with not knowing everything, so long as it's more or less harmless. We can have secrets or things we don't always tell each other. Sometimes it's kinder if you keep it to yourself. Privacy is important, and unless you muck it up and need to come clean to your spouse or are betraying them, I think your spouse is allowed to have that privilege unless behavior proves otherwise. I think it's fine to have some benign secrets. That's what trust is for.

Control = Misery

We both get free time. I have absolutely zero say what he wants to do with his and vice versa. We both get an allowance that is separate from family finances. We each have our own savings accounts. If I want to save up so I can spend mine on a trailer, guns, or expensive as hell makeup, then it's my money and I can. If he wants a new video card for AI, or buy more tools for his bowl turning, he can knock himself out. It doesn't matter if either of us disagrees. It's each other's choice to make. No one likes to be controlled. We're both adults and can make decisions for ourselves. I think trying to control or dictate what is done with personal time and money is a good way to make each other miserable.