Me & the ADHD Thing

This is snapshots of my ADHD. People with the disorder don't usually have all the symptoms, and how the symptoms they do have exhibit themselves can vary. Here's what some of mine are, for anyone wondering what the inside of my head looks like or how my symptoms pop up. I'm not sure how interesting it is, but for this post, I go over about how it impacts me in two ways.

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The stern, but polite man watched me behind a desk as I sat alone at a table. The clock ticked slowly on the wall as I leaned forward over the bubble test, my nose inches from the paper as I painstakingly filled in another bubble. If I remember correctly, he'd asked me a lot of questions before he'd slid the test in front of me. But what I remember the most was feeling nervous and shy about talking to this person called a Psychologist.

I was nine or ten when my family doctor suggested I be tested for ADD (ADHD). Back then, girls weren't diagnosed as often as boys were, but my symptoms exhibited strongly enough that something was 'wrong' with me. Luckily, however, my pediatrician also had ADHD and recognized what was going on. He was understanding and I think he helped my poor mom a lot in figuring out how my brain functioned.

Mom used to say it would take over an hour to get me to finish my homework before I was diagnosed. However, once I was put on medication I completed it usually in ten or fifteen minutes.

ADD and ADHD used to be considered two different things, but over the years they've been lumped together as one with different subtypes. There's the inattentive, the hyperactive, and the combined type. As a kid, I was labeled with the inattentive, but as an adult I recognize I'm definitely a heavy mixture of both.

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The 'MOTOR'

THUMP. THUMP. THUMP.

If you ask my mom, she'll tell you about how she could hear me in my upstairs bedroom kicking one of those cheap plastic balls found usually in cages at Walmart. My music would be blasting from my boombox and there'd be the sound of me kicking that ball as I paced across my room. She pointed out once that nowhere else in the house was the carpet so worn down, flat, and slightly rolling from being walked over like it was in my room. You could literally see where my pacing path was.

When I was in college and I lived with my little sister for a year, she'd come into my bedroom to laugh and watch me pace. It wasn't mean-spirited. She was genuinely amused and said I looked like a tiger at the zoo with the way I'd go back and forth as I listened to my music. She found it entertaining, while I didn't know what to think. I just liked listening with my headphones in while I'd think or daydreamed.

And then I got married, and Jack found out about this weird little quirk too. Anyone who lived with me for even a short amount of time will quickly notice I do this. For a while it concerned him because he said I walked 'aggressively' and thought I was mad at him. Now he asks who I'm arguing with in my head and if I'm winning. That's not always what's happening.

No matter who walks in on me mid-pace, I normally always stop and get a little embarrassed. If I hear Jack coming down stairs I usually try to find something else to pretend to be engaged in before he sees me. More often than not, I'm maladaptive daydreaming when I'm pacing (a different ADHD thing), but I normally hate being caught doing it.

Mostly I just can't stand sitting still. So I pace while I listen to music instead. It took me a long time to learn not everyone else does this. It's just a weird quirk that helps me hit my Fitbit target.

The idea of a spa day spikes me with anxiety—that's how much I hate sitting still. A massage for a an hour or so? Sure. Sounds nice. But a full day or even a half-day of activities like that would have me fidgeting like crazy.

I can't watch movies by myself. Or I can, but if I'm lucky I will finish it over the course of a couple days. It sucks. The only way for me to watch something in one sitting usually is if someone will watch a movie with me or I go to the theater. It's rude in both scenarios to play on your phone or get up and down up and down while it's playing, so I'm forced to pay attention.

But if I'm by myself? I'm screwed.

I'll impulsively get on my phone and start opening apps, or get up and move around the kitchen because I'm hungry or remember that I forgot to put something away. No one will be annoyed if I do any of that because no one is there but me, and if the film has a slow spot, I'm more likely to pause it and do something else. Having laundry or something to do to keep seated helps...until I'm done with it and I need to put it away, and then I'm pausing the movie again.

So I don't watch movies a lot at home and it's kinda hard because I really wish I could more often. But that up and down, unable to sit still? The pacing, or getting anxiety over the idea of doing something a lot of people find relaxing, that's what's called the 'motor'. That's a very strong 'hyperactive' part of the ADHD.

I'm physically an active person, probably because of my disorder. I enjoy just moving, so anything that lets me get that energy out usually makes me happy. The good news is those activities are usually good for me physically and helps manage my ADHD better. The down side is the constant need to move makes socializing more difficult.

I remember at the condo this past January I was getting frustrated with myself. Jack and his friends were telling stories and catching up, and as much as I loved listening to it all, I couldn't stay put. Normally I wouldn't notice, but because I was in a new environment I became more aware of what I was doing. I noted in my head I was the only one moving around and hoped I wasn't annoying anyone by going to the kitchen again. Because I can't sit still, I always find an excuse to get up and do something even if for a minute or two before returning to my seat. This is with me on my medication, by the way. It's worse when I haven't taken it.

But that hyperactive component exhibits in other ways too.

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THE SOCIAL

My ADHD definitely shows up to play in social situations, despite my best efforts to reign it in.

I like being in social settings, even if I'm in my quieter mode. I love parties, but I'm a wallflower. A happy little wallflower, but a wallflower all the same. I don't really like being the center of attention—I just want to be there and stay as long as people will let me. But I do love watching and listening to the people who do love the spotlight (or at least seem to). I'll gravitate to them and usually camp out on the fringe of the group and happily watch them shine and direct the conversation, much like my friend I wrote about. I've been described as having an 'intense' personality, and I tend to make friends with the big or stronger ones.

I like parties, I enjoy small groups more, and I thrive with one-on-one conversations, especially with deeper topics. I think people make the mistake of thinking I'm quiet though.

I tend to be more reserved or quiet in group settings, mostly because so many people are talking and it takes a lot of effort to keep my focus on track, otherwise I'll get frustrated and just completely disengage.

The trouble keeping focus or getting easily frustrated are ways my ADHD appears. I'm aware of this by now, so many times I'm trying my best to keep both in check, but it's still there and it drains a lot of my energy to do so. I've been diagnosed for a long time, so I've had a lot of practice.

I'm a chatterbox once people get to know me and I feel comfortable enough to come out of my shell. If someone is a quieter than me or shy, I'll likely start anxiously yapping simply to fill the silence. But if you're a talker too, I'm more likely to enjoy just listening, usually because I want to focus on the conversation (and relieved someone else knows what to say) but also because my nerves haven't calmed down yet. Don't worry, that goes away and then I wish you the best of luck shutting me up. But if there's only two or three of us, then I'm a talker and that's sometimes a problem in that once I get going, I'll forget other people want to talk too.

I actually wish people would interrupt me more when I've taken off like a freight train during a conversation. I'm normally grateful for it, especially when they gently point out they want to get a word in. This is something that definitely has a negative impact on some of my relationships. The best I can do is apologize, try to fix it, and be more mindful in the future, while knowing I'm probably going to screw it up again despite my best efforts. But talking too much is that hyperactive component. A lot of girls' and women's hyperactivity symptoms appear that way, and so do mine, except I'll probably be fidgeting in my seat while talking a mile a minute.

In personal relationships it can be worse, depending on who it is. Like with Jack, I forget to let him talk sometimes. (Jack has ADHD too, except his symptoms are very different than mine and tend to be mostly the inattentive type.) Since he's someone who doesn't interrupt, my over-talking can be an issue. I keep telling him to please just jump in, because I'll fail to realize my breaks aren't working. Same thing goes for my impulse control and how it will come out and I'll interrupt him. I always feel bad since it's never something I intentionally do.

Please, anyone I do this to (especially the quiet types), just interrupt me—I beg you. I'm not going to think it's rude. I can be a talker and if you don't stop me when I get going about something, you're going to waiting a while before I notice I did the freight train thing again.

Interrupting is another prominent symptom that I'm usually embarrassed by and become hyper-aware and self-critical about. Or when my own thoughts distract me and I abruptly change topic, forget what someone was saying, or I was paying attention but I failed to acknowledge what they last said—those are part of the inattentive aspect of the disorder. All of them are aspects about myself I don't care much for. Sometimes I wish my brain was normal, but there are benefits to the ADHD too that makes me pause from saying if I could make it go away, I would. I'm always up for trying something new because I get easily bored. I'd say that's a plus, because I've tried so many different things and that makes life pretty fun.

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I've also been aware of my ADHD since I was a kid and have spent my whole life learning how to manage both the good and bad of it. People have told me they don't think my ADHD is 'that bad,' but they also don't know how much work I put it to try to keep it in check. I'm proud of that.

I'm still learning new ways to manage it better, and it still impacts my life in not the greatest of ways, but I feel like I have much of it under control. Luckily, I'm organized, which is unusual for someone with ADHD. I can be very cluttered, but I know where everything is. I also live by my planner and writing things down—habits that have massively helped. Meds are a game changer too, but only if I'm getting enough sleep, finding outlets for the excess energy, and eating right. I'm trying to learn how to meditate and anyone can take a wild guess at how well that's been going (I'm determined though. I'm going to make it a habit if it's the last thing I do).

But that's a breakdown of two of the ways the hyperactive part of my ADHD shows up. That's a lot more, like being unable to be on time for anything, or the easily bored problem I keep having, as well as several other symptoms. But for the hyperactive part of me, this post was a good glimpse at it. Maybe some of my behaviors make a little more sense, or at least I hope so.